


Hearts of War

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Consensual Infidelity, F/M, Forbidden Love, Heartbreaking Love, Infidelity, Intimacy, Kissing, Living A Lie, M/M, Making Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sneaking Around, World War I, being gay is illegal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23384812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: In the wake of World War I, Eggsy and Merlin find comfort and love with one another. Though times are cruel and being gay is illegal, which forces Eggsy to marry and hope someday to produce a son to carry on the Unwin name. He is heartbroken and shattered, but insists he and Merlin try for something more than the one night in his youth.Through the course of decades, Merlin and Eggsy meet in the back of Eggsy's farm, just beyond a small patch of woods in a clearing where they spend nights tangled with one another.This is a story of love, heartbreak and how two men try to navigate a relationship during times where such things are unacceptable.---A 5+1 - The five times Merlin and Eggsy meet in their meadow, and the one time they didn't.
Relationships: Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Tilde/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 31





	Hearts of War

**Author's Note:**

> This really started out as a moodboard and small passage on tumblr (you can find it there @stronglyobsessed) and ended up as this 5+1 of forbidden love. 
> 
> It takes place between WWI and the start of WWII. I some research to keep it time specific of when the war started and ended. I apologize ahead of time if I mistaken anything or got it wrong. 
> 
> I am going through a lot, as we all are, during this COVID 19 pandemic and due to some news I found out, this ended VERY differently, but was completely cathartic for me.  
> If you choose to read, I hope you enjoy it. I am trying to find my way again to write more. 
> 
> This was not beta read and self edited, so excuse errors. 
> 
> Stay safe, healthy and I wish you all a happy future <3

1

They lay just off the blanket, strands of grass tickled his cheek as he turned to gaze at the man beside him. He was bare chest, still panting from their indecent escapades, but the soft smile he gave Eggsy said he didn’t mind; Eggsy didn’t either.

It was barely dawn, the sun not yet crested the sky as they rolled into one another. Naked bodies pressed against the other, Eggsy wound his legs with Merlin’s as he took comfort in the embrace he offered. He tipped up for another kiss, one of the thousands they’d shared in the last month. It was all gentle, completely different from the ones they’d just exchanged moments ago. Eggsy was the first to break away, just as he was the one to initiate contact...this time. His eyes locked with a deep, hooded hazel set. There was love in them, but beyond that Eggsy could see another world they had both lived, but years of war that Eggsy hadn’t been tainted with evident in Merlin’s.

“Do you have a family?” An entire summer of love making, rough sex that was most definitely illegal, and he’d yet to ask that question. Part of the reason was Eggsy didn’t want to know, wasn’t sure he wanted to accept that this man had a wife and kids he returned home to each morning.

Something about his eyes changed. They were softer, almost remorseful, and it was then Eggsy truly did regret the inquiry. His mother had always told him his curiosity would get the best of him, and Eggsy truly understood that sentiment just then.

Merlin closed the small space between them, and all of sudden Eggsy’s breath was stolen from him in a kiss so seering, yet so delicate it made his head spin. If he wasn’t lying, Eggsy would have fallen.

“No,” he answered against Eggsy’s lips. “I’ve been in the Army since I was old enough to enlist.” A cool, calloused palm wandered up Eggsy’s thigh and settled over his hip to shift him closer. “And I never had a desire to have a wife.” Eggsy’s muscles relaxed, completely unknown he had stiffened in anticipation of Merlin’s answer.

Merlin’s answer should have been clear, but Eggsy always expected the worst. At least when families, parents, looked toward their sons and daughters to populate the future. Even his family expected him to wed, have babies and live a happy, normal life post-war. But Merlin had ruined him for a wife. There was no one on the planet that could make him feel the way Merlin did. Eggsy knew he’d break hearts, at least his mum and dad who had all the eligible women in their town listed for Eggsy.

“Not even kids?” Eggsy wondered. “You weren’t afraid your name would end with you?”

“No.” Merlin repeated as his hand curved around to cup his bum. “I have two brothers and a sister. Kevin already procured a son, so the Smith name will live on.” He shrugged, not seeming bothered by the notion that he’d never have someone to come home to. “Do you want a wife, a family?” His nose trailed down Eggsy’s cheek to trace along his jawline.

It was hard for him to focus, what with Merlin that close, and he tried to pull away but fell lax into Merlin’s affection. The man was a tease.

“No…?” Eggsy exhaled. He felt the shape of a smile against his neck before Merlin littered the area with the softest kisses imaginable. It was like a rose petal on skin, silky and smooth, barely there as it ghosted from his throat to collarbone; Eggsy reeled, unable to form any coherent words.

The hand on his ass moved in a lazy caress, drawing gooseflesh in its wake. Eggsy tried to work past the fog, to give Merlin something more than a half answer, half question about something very vital in his life. And maybe it was because he didn’t want to give proper affirmation as to if he wanted those things or not. Eggsy had always envisioned himself with a few children, growing old with a wife who’d stand beside him and weathered all storms that life threw their way. But see here, right now? All he could see were nights where he snuck out, met Merlin in their meadow just beyond his family's farm. It was the safest, no one came out this far past the trees where a pond provided relief against heated bodies.

When Merlin finally stopped, lips rested against his jugular, and all he could hear was their heavy breathing that slowed to soft, steady exhales while the sun began to rise. Eggsy found his voice, but chose to keep quiet for a moment, allowing his fingernails to slip up and down Merlin’s stubbled head and watch the sky begin to lighten.

“I did. Sometimes I still do.” Merlin was silent as he listened, his arms secure around Eggsy, and maybe that made this a little harder, but Eggsy didn’t try to shift away. “I am the only son. I am the last Unwin.” They both knew what that meant. How important it was for him to find a wife and hope for a son. “But how can I knowingly go into marriage when my heart belongs to someone else?” Eggsy’s voice dropped to a painful whisper, unshed tears thick in his voice; Merlin tightened around him and held him closer.

“Men do it all the time.” Somehow this brought little comfort to Eggsy, but he knew what Merlin spoke of. There were talks, always gossip, men of war who led a double life...a secret love that couldn’t be spoken aloud but felt between soldiers in their brigade. “You’d be surprised.” Merlin didn’t give names, nor would he. It was a dangerous game, most times jail worthy and others executed and made to look like an accident.

Eggsy knew they played with fire, being like this and all, but he didn’t give a fuck. At least maybe not as much as he should.

“But I don’t want to lose you,” Eggsy admitted quietly, desperation bled through each word. There was no one Eggsy truly wanted to be with more than Merlin.

Merlin’s face grew sombre. “Wasted love on an old man like me.”

Eggsy scoffed, pushing against his chest with a rough hand. “Don’t say that!” He felt as though his heart would bleed. “There ain’t anything I’m wasting on you!” His eyes stung; it hurt to look at Merlin.

His expression saddened, like he planned to end something that barely begun. Eggsy didn’t want to hear whatever was about to come out of his mouth, so he silenced him with a hard, bruising kiss that left him breathless. Merlin gave back as good as Eggsy gave and together rolled a bit on the blanket, Eggsy now beneath Merlin’s body. Somehow strong, sure fingers found purchase in his hair, slipping through to pull gently at the ends as their mouths formed a seal around the other. It was a long kiss, one with tongue passed between the other in a wet, sultry dance.

So much passion and unspoken desperation filled the air; it was almost suffocating. Eggsy arched into Merlin, arms wound to secure around his neck and held him there. His lungs screamed for oxygen, but the thought of letting go evoked an unspeakable fear, like if they parted it would solidify their fate.

“Tell me we’ll still be able to have this?” Eggsy begged once they’d let go, gasping for air like they couldn’t get enough.

Merlin’s hand swept through his waves, cupping the back of his head to gently cradle him. “We can try,” Merlin allowed.

Because they couldn’t do more than that, and try they would.

\---

2

The summer had finished out that year with soft, slow love making that took all night and lasted well into the wee hours of the morning. They sent letters. Eggsy’s parents none the wiser, assuming it was a war friend and Eggsy didn’t correct them. It wasn’t long into winter that he found a pretty girl, nice and respectful with the promise to make a good home and carry his children. Eggsy liked her, he could honestly admit she was a lovely woman full of life, spark and a bit of defiance to stand up for what she believed in, and to most men that would be an undesirable quality, but to Eggsy it was attractive.

He and Tilde wed the coming spring, and with the war just behind them, Eggsy couldn’t find it in himself to wait much longer. The encouragement Merlin provided through their letters helped, if not for the reassurance they’d have their summers, Eggsy wasn’t sure he’d have done it. But Tilde was a gorgeous girl, so polite and well mannered and not at all what Eggsy thought marrying a woman would be like.

They had fun, laughed, enjoyed walks behind the farm his parents moved out of to give the newly wedded couple in hopes to start a family. A part of him mourned the space his heart made for Tilde, it was small, nothing near the space Merlin’s love took up in his heart, but she was there.

Summer came and slowly started to drift away. The opportunity to see Merlin at night narrowed, slowing to next to nothing after the previous summers activities. But word had reached Eggsy that Merlin had taken another tour, he helped finish up what had been started, what Eggsy had gone through at the start of World War I. He ended up with a letter from him, somehow passed between other soldiers and made it to postal service. Of course he’d go when called and it was so quick, Merlin couldn’t even write to him to say so.

That night Eggsy cried, slow, silent tears that for the next four years he wouldn’t see him again. But on a cool, August night, there was a tap on his window. It was so soft that he almost mistaken it for a pebble blown by the wind. Eggsy looked over his shoulder where Tilde slept, an arm draped lazily over her growing stomach, and slipped out of bed to peer out the window.

Below he could see a man, just a silhouette in the moonlight but Eggsy could recognize the shape anywhere. A wide smile pulled at his face and he had to be extra mindful of his sleeping wife as he barrelled out of their room, down the stairs, and out back where he collided with Merlin. Eggsy was surprised to feel him stagger back, but found his footing soon enough, and returned Eggsy’s unprepared embrace with one arm.

“Merlin,” Eggsy managed in a half cry, half whisper.

His face was rough, clearly hadn’t shaved in a few days, as Merlin pressed his face into Eggsy’s neck, and let go to step back.

“I thought I wouldn’t see you for years!” Eggsy wiped the tears from his face, giving Merlin a visual once over. He looked like Merlin, but there was something off. Eggsy couldn’t place it until his eyes wandered down and noted the cane he so rarely used, clutched with his left hand and leaned heavily into it. “Are you hurt?” He worried.

Merlin lifted his trouser on the right leg, and Eggsy saw the duralumin prosthetic that once was Merlin’s leg.

“Oh. Oh, Merlin.” Eggsy cradled his face, thumbs swept along stubbled skin that was littered with a few fallen tears, and traced new wrinkles that weren’t there a year ago. “Did you just get in?” He wondered, but he looked put together, no filth or grime on his clothes. And that alone caused Eggsy to clue in. His clothing was crisp, a freshly ironed white linen button down to go with his black trousers. He was a vision.

“I’ve been back about a month, but I wanted to get this sorted-” he gestured to his missing leg, “-before I saw you.”

Eggsy blinked back new tears of relief. He was here. Merlin was alive and well. “You could have crawled here and I wouldn’t have bloody cared.” Merlin flinched a bit, clearly Eggsy struck a nerve. “I’m sorry.” He apologized quickly with a soft kiss.

Merlin leaned his forehead to Eggsy’s when they broke away. “I’ve missed you.” There was so much beneath the words. So many unspoken feelings, fears, possibly anxiety that Merlin worried he’d never see him again; Eggsy felt it too.

“I missed you too.”

They stayed like that for an immeasurable length of time.

“Come on.” Eggsy coaxed, pulling away to grasp his hand and lead him toward the woods. “Will you…?” He left the question unfinished; Eggsy didn’t want to insult his ability.

“I can.” Merlin nodded and easily followed beside.

There was no romantic picnic basket, no checked cloth throw to lay on, just the cool grass against their skin. The moonlight illuminated the sky as they rolled around, much like they had the year before, and made love like it had been decades and not months since the last time. It was perfect, everything Eggsy had remembered and missed. But the moment didn’t last long enough, it never did, as they shifted off of each other; both panted for breath like they couldn’t get oxygen in quick enough.

A wide grin dominated his face as he turned to gaze at Merlin. His chest heaved with intake of breath, mist ghosted in front of him as his exhales turned into condensation in the slightly cooler air. In this light Eggsy could make out new scars along his pecs. Some older than others, a few reddened, clearly not healed yet. He reached out with a steady hand, never one to be turned away by marks to the skin, and surely wouldn’t start now as a finger traced an almost crescent shaped one just below Merlin’s heart.

Merlin’s own covered Eggsy’s, holding it there as Eggsy’s palm smoothed along the area. His fingers spanned to cloak Merlin’s heart, in an unspoken security that could be felt between them. The gesture said more than Eggsy’s words ever could. A promise that he was safe here and no harm would come to him. Merlin’s head lolled to the side, a small, crooked smile formed on his lips - it was Eggsy’s favorite in the entire world - and he shifted in to capture Eggsy’s mouth in a deep, drawn out kiss.

The heat of Merlin’s lips seeped through his and into Eggsy. It touched his soul, had his heart singing, racing, a pound so hard against his chest he was sure you’d hear it. He leaned his forehead to Merlin’s when they separated, wanting nothing more than to keep connected for as long as humanly possible.

“I have to go,” Eggsy whispered. Regret and apology bled through him. He didn’t want to leave Merlin, but he had a sleeping wife who had no inclination of his absence.

A large, sure hand scooped around to cradle Eggsy’s head, fingers weaved through his hair in a gentle stroke.

“I know.” Merlin’s eyes were gentle, completely forgiving that Eggsy had to rush off to be with someone else; he only hoped to possess the same comprehension if the shoe was on the other foot. And how understanding he sounded pained Eggsy.

The world was so cruel that loving someone of the same sex was illegal, so punishable that it forced men and women to either be alone the rest of their lives, or live in secrecy.

“I love you.” Eggsy meant it more than he could ever tell him.

Hazel eyes misted, creased in the corners with a loving smile that only Eggsy ever saw. “I love you too.”

They met for a final kiss, got dressed, and parted ways. That night Eggsy didn’t sleep and he was fortunate enough Tilde didn’t question the faux war dream he had. She’d seen him after one enough to believe the lie he told, a part of him died for his dishonesty, but his love for Merlin outweighed everything else.

\---

3

He slipped down the stairs, as quietly as he could be. Eggsy had left a note for Tilde just in case she woke. It promised he would return before the sun came up, that he just needed some air.

The excuse was used frequent enough that she had stopped asking and just smiled that bright, megawatt smile he loved to see in the morning. Eggsy had grown accustomed to it over the years. It meant love, safety, and a promise that things would workout when Eggsy got laid off at the factory and held in when times were bad. But he’d taken up woodworking and apparently that was in high enough demand he’d never have to know what it was like to go without a meal, just to give the food to their growing children.

Eggsy just reached the back door when the sound of a small set of feet stopped him. He turned to see a blonde, straight head of hair little girl, with the face of her mother on his four year old daughter coming into the kitchen.

“Daddy?” Anne rubbed her eyes with one hand, her other clutched the small doll Tilde had made her last Christmas.

“What are you doing up?” Eggsy asked, lifting her into his arms to give her chubby cheeks a few kisses. “It’s late, Princess.”

“Had a bad dream.” She laid her small head into the crook of his shoulder.

Eggsy rubbed slow, soothing circles over her back. “Oh yeah? What was it about?” He gazed back at the door a moment before he headed back up, and into Anne’s room.

“Teddy stole Miss. Rosie.” Anne held her doll up for Eggsy to inspect the apparent kidnapped doll. “Wouldn’t give it back.” She jutted her lower lip out, feeling all the emotions of a four year old who had their toy taken from them.

He had to bite back a chuckle as he settled her back into bed. “Well I can assure you Teddy would give it back. Daddy would make sure of that, okay?” Her fear wasn’t completely unrealistic. His son was famous for taking his little sister’s things, and often ended in a six year old in the corner.

“Okay.” Anne nodded, seeming to feel better to have him on her side. “Will you sing to me?” She asked in a small voice. One she often used to get her way, and it always worked.

“Of course.” Eggsy tucked the throw around her. It was a pale yellow with various butterflies crocheted in it, that his mother made when Tilde was pregnant with Anne.

He knelt beside her bed and started to croon ‘Blue Skies’ by Irving Berlin, a new song he had heard and came home humming it one day. Anne had loved it so much she requested it each night, and sometimes when it played on the radio, Eggsy would spin her around their sitting room. He finished with a tender kiss to her forehead, and before he headed back down he peeked in on his sleeping boy.

Eggsy was finally able to rush out of the house. A soft, summer breeze blew through his hair as he headed through the small patch of woods behind his house.

“Sorry,” he said, out of breath, as he came to stand beside Merlin. “Anne woke up.”

Merlin’s face creased with a smile. “Bad dream?”

Eggsy snorted. “Yeah. Her brother kidnapped her favorite doll.” Merlin chuckled as Eggsy slipped his hand into Merlin’s. “Missed you,” he breathed, turning into Merlin’s side to press a soft kiss just under his ear.

Merlin yanked on their joined hands until Eggsy clashed into his chest, a hand wound around his waist to hold him close, and tipped down for a slow, tender kiss. Eggsy melted into the affection and scrambled to lock his arms around Merlin’s neck, deepening the kiss. He didn’t have to say he missed Eggsy too. It was in the way his hands moved over his body, pulled at clothing and lay him down gently to loom over him.

Eggsy reached up to unbutton Merlin’s shirt while he worked Eggsy naked. Together they wiggled out of the confines of their clothing, until both were just as naked as the day they were born. It had been long since Eggsy noticed when Merlin took the prosthetic off. They moved around the blanket, just kissed and touched, worked one another hard - not that it took much effort - and soon welcomed the intimate proximity as Merlin eased into Eggsy.

It always felt like too long between each time and never enough when they’d meet. Since the children were born, it was less and less, but Merlin accepted that with such grace and compassion it hurt Eggsy; he physically hurt. But he focused on the current sensation, at least he tried to. He knew Merlin would figure out he was distracted.

They found release in coupled unison, completely succumbed by their climax, and clutched onto one another with desperate hands. Eggsy kissed the new spots on Merlin’s shoulders, up his neck until he found home against his mouth. He flopped against the throw as they separated, a loud, aching huff left him as he stared up at the moonlight with visions of a few months ago when he stargazed with Teddy. His eyes stung. Unwilling tears slipped from the corners and down his face.

“Eggsy?” Merlin rolled toward him, collecting Eggsy into a warm embrace he didn’t feel he deserved. “What is it lad?”

Eggsy sobbed against his chest. He was grateful Merlin held him until he calmed enough to speak.

“I’m an awful man.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I am! I have a gorgeous wife with two sleeping children not far from here.” His tone dripped with disgust of himself. “I’m a monster.” Eggsy’s hands shook against Merlin’s chest.

“Then we stop.” Merlin sounded so sure, like that would fix all of this.

Somehow that angered Eggsy more than he could articulate. “No! Don’t you get it? I don’t want to! I love my kids more than anything, more than you, you know that, but I don’t love my wife more than you. What does that mean?” Eggsy stared up at Merlin like he held the answers to all his problems.

All Merlin did was shrug, a sad smile in place as he said, “It means the world is cruel.”

Eggsy sagged against Merlin and allowed him to comfort Eggsy the rest of the night.

\---

4

Eggsy’s hand shook as he scrawled a letter - that he’d written more times he could count over the last twenty years - and placed it on his pillow. He bent down to kiss Tilde’s forehead, and swept fallen blonde hair from her face. She was beautiful. He often wondered how a woman so wonderful stuck beside him. When the nights were long, the nightmares more frequent, and talk of war dominated the dinner table.

They were told there was nothing to worry about. But as Teddy grew and was of age to serve, Eggsy found himself more troubled each night than the last. He said every prayer he knew to God. Eggsy didn’t want that life for his son. He was young, a promising future for him with a girl who was completely smitten with his nineteen year old.

He swallowed back a scream, screwed his eyes shut and waited until the images of dead men around him disappeared. Eggsy shook his head, hoping to shake off the sound of canons that echoed in his ears. He didn’t want to wake Tilde, she didn’t deserve to see him coming apart. Eggsy finally reeled in control, at least long enough to get out of the house. He allowed himself to fall apart then. The tears flowed freely and the past that he’d lived came crashing around him.

It wasn’t as if he’d ever escaped the wreckage he’d seen. The amount of lives lost always preyed on his mind, never quite drifted away like most wounds seemed to do. These were scars that no one could see, but imprinted into his mind, body, his soul. Eggsy found Merlin just beyond where the trees cleared, he sat on a boulder that had always existed but never had to be used. Not until recently when bodies started to fail and it became harder for Merlin to stand and wait for Eggsy. And yet he continued to wander out here for the rare moments they spent together.

“Merlin,” Eggsy croaked. His throat closed against all emotion that consumed him.

The man who once led soldiers to fight for Queen and Country had grown old, but still possessed the love and security Eggsy had felt for nearly two decades. His warm smile faded into fear as Eggsy stumbled closer, trying with little success to see past the sea of fallen men.

“Lad.” Merlin caught him with steady hands that a man his age shouldn’t contain. He held Eggsy and allowed him to come completely undone. It wasn’t in the way they usually fell apart in one another arms, but was what Eggsy needed that night.

Merlin didn’t speak, just allowed Eggsy to cry, Eggsy’s hands grasped his clothing in an attempt to hold himself grounded. Eggsy thought he’d slip away, fall into a void and never come back. Too much reminder of a life he thought he’d left behind and that heart aching fear crept through him.

“There were so many.” He remembered Merlin telling him it did no good to dwell on the fallen.

Eggsy had never been good at forgetting and often remembered his friend who had taken a bullet right through the head, and lay right beside him; lifeless. The image haunted him more the last year. Eggsy couldn’t even speak Ryan’s name. It was always on his lips but never made it past, because each time he opened his mouth a new sob rolled through, shaking his body until he was reduced to a lax form against Merlin’s.

“I know, Eggsy. I know.” He could hear Merlin’s tears through what was supposed to be a response to soothe him. Turned out Eggsy wasn’t the only one that the impending war haunted in the night.

It wasn’t at all the way he wanted to spend their night together, and yet he was so grateful to have Merlin just then. They stayed connected until the sun came up and much longer than they ever had before.

No one questioned Eggsy’s disheveled appearance when he came through the back door, and headed straight up to bed.

\---

5

Eggsy was the first one that night. He couldn’t bear to be in his home. There was too much turmoil and tears shed that he feared he’d break more furniture.

It wasn’t anyone's fault. So why take out his frustration and anger out on things that he and his wife had bought to fill their house and made it a home. A home that held little warmth. It was cold. His heart was cold. Eggsy didn’t want to face tomorrow and wished he could swap places. He couldn’t, no matter how much he begged, because he was a bloody three months older than the cut off.

Usually people wished for youth to have faces that resembled them at a happier time, or perhaps in hopes to look as fresh and young faced when you were newly married. But Eggsy didn’t wish for a year back to have less wrinkles, less grey in his hair, no. He wished for youth to enlist and keep his son home. They were desperate and even though Teddy was his only son, they still took him.

“You’re early.” The familiar deep voice, that by all means usually brought him so much comfort, said behind him. Merlin didn’t speak further, just carefully lowered himself to sit beside Eggsy.

A long moment passed where neither of them said anything. Eggsy couldn’t find his voice and wasn’t sure he wanted to, afraid if he did speak all he would do was scream, cry and curse the universe that this was unfair. He’d already done that enough, which was why he and Tilde were at odds. He didn’t blame her. It was her son too, but she didn’t know what Eggsy knew, and that somehow made him feel justified to act like an arse. It wasn’t justifiable.

“They take him tomorrow.” Eggsy finally worked up the courage to mutter that. “They’re taking my son,” he whispered. “I can’t even register,” he spit the words like venom.

If they were going to take one Unwin, well then they could take both, but they wouldn’t. They only wanted the young, strong and able first. Eggsy was pretty well fit, he thought at least. His woodwork kept him in shape for a forty-two year old, not that it mattered to the Army, not yet at least. If they became desperate enough, he knew they’d take him too or at least offer him a position to see troops through.

All Merlin did was press a soft kiss to Eggsy’s temple. That’s all it took for him to attack. Eggsy took little care with Merlin as he shoved him down, his lips hard, rough against Merlin’s in a possessive stake of intimacy. One Eggsy’s never thrust on Merlin before. Merlin didn’t try to shove him off, or stop him. So Eggsy took what he needed. And right then he needed some sort of fucking control over a life where he had none.

He had only the memory of Merlin inside him to go off of as he hastily prepared Merlin, not at all like the old man did for him, but was enough to loosen tightly wound muscle. Eggsy lay greedy kisses to Merlin’s mouth, tongue pushed past parted lips as Merlin’s fingers knotted in the back of his hair, and sucked his lower lip in to bite down. The affection drew a long, sultry moan from Merlin, one Eggsy hadn’t heard before. It fueled his inner beast, powered him to get Merlin into a position to take him.

Eggsy was much more gentle as he eased in, Merlin bucked up to meet him, and how a man of nearly seventy could move with such precision still amazed Eggsy. It was soft, slow, not at all as hard and rough as he’d imagined, but it was what he needed. He was in control. He drove in deeper, pace quickened to achieve climax. The orgasm rolled through him like a strong, sure wave that crashed around the surface. He cried out in ecstasy, sight blinded by the sheer force of such release, and came to lay beside Merlin once he’d finished as well.

Together they breathed heavily, trying to slow down, to calm their heart rate because it felt like Eggsy’s would pound right out of his chest.

He shifted so that they faced one another, chests flush against the other, and just stared at the person he’s loved longer than he hasn’t.

“What if I lose him? What if...what if my son doesn’t come home?” Eggsy’s lip quivered. The tears ran freely down his face now.

Merlin didn’t say anything for a long time as Eggsy cried, and just caressed his face.

Eggsy supposed there was nothing to be said. No words to soothe the fear that Eggsy would live with until his son came home...or didn’t. He was glad Merlin didn’t try to fill him with false hope and just held him.

That was better than anything anyone had told him since Teddy enlisted.

\---

+1

Merlin had received the letter to show up at their meadow June 17th when the sun just set. He did, but he arrived earlier to watch the sky melt into pretty reds, oranges and yellows. The clouds were white and puffy that day. Of course it would be a sunny, cheery day when Merlin knew what this meeting meant. He sat on the boulder for what felt like hours, just watched the day turn to night and soon the sky was black, only illuminated by the moon and flecked with bright, white stars.

They twinkled in a way that reminded him of Eggsy’s eyes. The reminder had his own filled with unexpected tears, as he listened to the light footsteps that advanced from behind him. He didn’t turn to the sound, nor the person who sat beside him and placed a delicate hand over his.

“He’s gone.” It wasn’t a question. Merlin didn’t need the confirmation, but rather needed to speak it out into the world. “I knew when your letter arrived.” The gorgeous cursive was not that of his love, but could only be from the woman who’d married Eggsy and gave him a beautiful family.

Tilde didn’t confirm or deny the statement, just tightened her hand around his and that was answer enough.

Just three months after Eggsy’s son, Teddy, was shipped off to fight in the second World War, Eggsy was asked to join. Special circumstances pushed England to ask those who were just a year or two older than the cut off. He wasn’t asked to be front line, but rather guide and lead troops through in a fight against Germany, that didn’t seem to have an end in sight.

“How did you know to get a hold of me?” Merlin kept his eyes trained forward, didn’t know he could look a widow in the eyes when his were filled with tears. Tears he shouldn’t have because he grieved a man he had no right to love, but loved him still.

She let go of his hand to take it in both of hers. “There’s something you should know.” Her voice was soft, gentle, almost like she was trying to soothe him.

That caused Merlin to turn, to face the woman who had filled Eggsy’s life with so much love, joy and happiness. She was just as pretty as Eggsy told Merlin, even more so than the photo Eggsy had shown him. He could see how this weighed on her. No doubt their son was still out there, and now she had no husband; life wasn’t fair.

“Years ago, when Teddy was six and Anne four, Eggsy returned to bed in the wee hours of the morning.” Merlin stiffened, but Tilde’s expression turned incredibly tender. She touched his face and leaned forward to kiss his nose. “Don’t worry, Merlin.” She patted his cheek and took a long, deep breath and continued. “He told me. Maybe I should have reacted differently than I had, but see. I knew my husband was gay. I knew he loved someone else, but I just didn’t know who.”

Merlin was confused, to say the least, and it must have been written on his features because Tilde shrugged.

“So to say he was shocked when I didn’t yell, scream and turn you both in would be downplaying it. Eggsy was completely flummoxed and was ready to turn himself in.” She actually giggled, swiping away a tear when she was done. “It’s not funny, but you see. I knew he was happy. I understood Eggsy was happy with me, our family, and you. I can’t say it was easy all of the time, but it certainly allowed me to breathe easier. I wasn’t in the dark of a secret that I knew existed.”

“You are a magnificent woman.” Was what Merlin said. Truth was he had no idea what else to say. He could see Tilde’s face darken in the night, sure to be a blush if he saw her in natural light.

“I wouldn’t say I’m magnificent, but I’d like to think I tried to make good of a heartbreaking situation.”

Merlin nodded, knew she meant the deal they’d all been dealt when loving the same sex was illegal, and were doomed to either a lonely life or one in lies.

“Thank you,” Merlin whispered. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I felt you deserved to know.”

“I don’t deserve anything. I’m just the old man your husband had a two decade long affair with.” He felt dirty for putting it like that, because nothing they’d shared was short of love.

“No. You misunderstand me, Merlin. You did deserve to know. He loved you.”

The simplicity of their love being used in past tense crushed him. Merlin hadn’t realized he started sobbing until Tilde pulled him into her side, an arm around his shoulders as he mourned the only love of his life. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but soon dawn broke the night sky and they watched the sun rise.

“Looks like it will be another beautiful day,” Tilde told him. “Say, would you like some breakfast?”

Merlin straightened himself out of the position he’d been in, a moan escaped him as his back cracked and protested against the abuse as he did.

“I couldn’t impose. You’ve already done more than any widow should have to do.”

She gave him the same soft, kind smile that she bestowed on him in the night and stood with a hand offered out.

“It is no imposition and I’d like to know the man who brought my husband so much joy.” Merlin stared at her hand and after a long beat took it.

The morning and day was filled with long laughs and soft cries as they both exchanged stories of a man they’d both led differently, yet similar lives with. And somehow as he shared memories with Tilde, even though he’d lost his love who was far too young to go first, Merlin thought maybe life wasn’t so cruel.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always you all have my love!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @StronglyObsessed.


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